Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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