i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Randomize
