You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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