I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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