dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
