Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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