I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
