i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
