Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
