So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
