You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
