someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
