The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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