you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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