Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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