I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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