My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
