Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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