I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
my shit smells like andre
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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