my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
