I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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