It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
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