I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
whose ass print is on the piano?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
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