naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
