Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize