I don't usually arrange sex via text message
If that was your dad, he is hot
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
