if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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