none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Randomize
