okay pat passed out under dana's car
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
