why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
