I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize
