if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
