I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
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Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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