don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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