thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
