You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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