Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
