The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
