Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
