I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
