what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
