You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
