She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
