I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
