If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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