Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
