my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
