Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
