No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
