There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
