Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
