She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
