god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
