Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
