Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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